What Is A Frat Rat?

Published in a University paper in the early 90’s.



The ancient Greeks were never able to answer one very important question, and the question still haunts the Greeks today: What is a frat rat?

I am here to answer that question.

Who am I?

A cleaning lady. I'm one of those artists who tries to write and paint and stuff and so I work...on the side.

I do jobs like clean houses, or chop up buffalo chips while trying to sell my 1000 sketches of upside-down rhinoceros butts(just as an example.)

I was cleaning the home of this nice, older couple in south Minneapolis one day when their son showed up. He was a gorgeous, young Italian type who introduced himself as Romeo.

I said, "Hi-yi-yi" and he said he would like me to come and work for his fraternity because they really needed help.

"Boy do they need help," I thought. I ended up working there for the next five years, and concluding, "I adore frat guys."

Me and the guys got along famously right away. They complimented me or they ridiculed me, all in fun.

Sometimes they put creepy things in the bathroom sinks, but I thought it was a laugh riot.

Most importantly, all their fraternity-style antics simply made my day, and the rowdy characters were just great for my self-esteem.

I'm not saying things couldn't get carried away, but the guys responded to my limits and boundaries. If things went too far I could draw the line.

And, as for rape. HA! I never feared that, especially since these guys have adoring females everywhere. What did they need me for?

Oh please, don't even think it. They aren't really ancient pagans, they're just named after them. To be completely honest, the real concern at fraternity X was how to keep me from sexually harassing them. Ladies have you seen some of these guys?


They all have girlfriends or hope for one, they all want to get married and often do when the four years are up. Where does the stereotype fit in? What's the big deal anyway?

Many times one of the guys would get into a serious discussion with me about the things that mattered in his life. Some told me they go to church regularly and went into a lengthy discourse on why.


Each fraternity is known to be involved in some kind of philanthropy. They are mostly just plain sweethearts, hilariously funny, talented, and highly intelligent. Why do people give them the worst rap? Why did I at one time?

Perhaps the answer lies in this: they remind me of the young men in The Dead Poet's Society-- they are privileged, slightly upper-crusty boys, and as endearing as the characters in the film.

I think what sends people puking is the fact that they have such cohesiveness as a group and are generally so upbeat. They belong to each other and THEY have a community in an over-sized University. They are, for the most part, let's face it- winners!

Yet they will never hold you to that. For each one is an individual plagued with insecurities like anyone else, trying to get his own life off the ground. And that's all they are thinking about, not about being better than you.

What is a frat rat? He's an occasional member of a fraternity who...drinks too much beer at a party and tries to score with a girl he just met. HMMMM, this just sounds too much like a large number of ordinary college guys in their wild oats phase.

OK, how about this? A frat rat never commits to any girl. HMMM, try again. A frat rat...feels superior. Oh brother, how many guys in their prime don't feel that way occasionally?

Try again. A frat rat...gets a tan. Oh I don't know what a frat rat is. I can't be sure I've ever met one, or would recognize one if I did. Let's get real.

Ladies! I've got a secret. Next time you see Campus Carni or Homecoming antics being put on by Larry, Moe or Curly of Fraternityville, USA, go and check them out. I guarantee there's a chance that one of those guys is the man you're gonna spend the rest of your life with.